Self-care is everywhere, in magazines, on social media, in adverts promising glow-ups and calm minds. Often, it’s linked with things like bubble baths, expensive serums, scented candles, or spa treatments. There’s nothing wrong with any of that, small pleasures can be lovely. But, self-care has been packaged and sold to us, tied up with messages like “because you’re worth it,” that quietly echo a familiar pressure: be better, look better, do more.

In the therapy room, self-care means something else entirely. It certainly isn’t about striving or perfecting. It isn’t a reward for working hard enough. It’s not even about feeling good, necessarily. It’s about tuning into what you need and responding with some kind of care, especially when things are difficult.

Sometimes, this kind of care is deeply unglamorous. It might mean cancelling plans, saying no, letting yourself rest when your instinct is to keep pushing, letting someone in, or leaving a situation that’s harming you. These aren’t always feel-good choices, they’re meaningful ones.

There is a link to softness and pampering that can make self-care an off-putting concept for some people. But real self-care isn’t about sugar-coating pain or ignoring what’s hard. It’s about facing difficulties with honesty and offering yourself the same steadiness and support you might offer to someone you care about.

This kind of care is active. It takes awareness, intention, and sometimes courage. It builds resilience, not by toughening up, but by creating a space in which you can breathe, think clearly, and respond with wisdom rather than overwhelm.

In therapy, I often work with people who feel burnt out or stretched too thin. They’ve learned to meet life’s demands by pushing through, staying quiet, or criticising themselves in the hope of keeping everything under control. Self-care can feel alien or even selfish. But over time, it becomes something else. A way of treating yourself as someone who matters.

Self-care isn’t a luxury. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a necessary part of looking after your mental health.